Each time you want to waste energy on how much you hate us and how we are the worst parents in the world. Why don’t you ask yourself instead, “why on earth did I pick such fuck wits as parents? What did I chose to learn in that process?” It will save your teenage years and will allow you to make the most of that amazing energy instead… Just saying;-)

Or so I hope!

The last year has been a complete reshuffling of my life. Looking back on it, it is as if, following my mental upgrade in Amsterdam, my all inside imploded and spilled on the outside. So little by little my surrounding started to align with what was going on inside… and we moved.

Fast forward to 18 month past Amsterdam where I projected myself into Commuknitting and now have a new upgraded version of it. It is called the C.U.N.T Club, as C U Next Tuesday. Commuknitting was about reconnecting with each other via the creative process, here people are already creative and do a lot of thinking, so all we need its to meet once a week and open up. Ideally I want the C.U.N.T Club to be a place where people dare to share their knowledge and experience and feel safe to expose their insecurities. The more we give of ourselves as C.U.N.T, the more we give permission for others to be bigger C.U.N.Ts.

I have been learning so many things lately, just by meeting amazing people. I realised that I couldn’t or even shouldn’t have tried to change people of Wandsworth, they have chosen a complete different path than mine and the best thing I could do was removing myself from their path. I am so glad Ibogaine showed me that just on my way out.

Now the other thing I learned before I left is that my next step was to be about will power, which I SO completely failed! This is the one thing lacking in my life, but I totally see why it is lacking, because you need a minimum of will power to have a go at building will power, and I have none, whatsoever! So where do I start. As a desperate attempt I have decided to stop all stimulants that give me instant results but who utlimately get in the way of willpower. I have fallen so far behind since discovering I had to work on it, it is quite ironic. But I don’t think it could have happen any other way. The last year was about falling into place, to morph even more into who is going on inside. It involved a lot of letting go, a lot of boundaries issues were raised. And today, a day before giving up cheating and giving a serious go at will power I feel the environement is ideal at last. I have removed most of the weeds, by introducing other weeds. I turned the earth around and suffered major ressurfacing issues which I did not want to face. I digged a hole so I can officially be a C.U.N.T and now as I can’t get any further down, I plant my seed, full of hope, that at last I can ground myself. I believe I am not designed to be grounded, so it will be a mastertask for me to stay put long enough to grow and produced new seeds. The last 3 seeds I produced are growing beautifully, thanks to the beautiful Gardener I’ve chosen but I now need to step into the real world and give him a hand to grow an even more beautiful garden.

Luckily now I have a bunch of C.U.N.Ts to help me do so…

Is it that I can’t bare loneliness that I won’t let the voice in my head shut up? I certainly can’t be still and have them off. Maybe sometimes, when the car is fast, or when while dancing the musique takes over. But if I am still in the musique it still won’t shut up. I suppose it just means I haven’t grasped everything yet. It is once one understands everything, that the voice stops. That is the journey, stopping the voice, is that the same as dissolving the ego. You don’t need help any more so everyone leaves the building. I remember being there once, twice actually now. I know the feeling I am looking for, I know how to get there: by sharing what I know, even if it hasn’t got a title, a website or a price, I must just share it to get me there. That is my GPS, creativity is my fuel and I am the shell and I want everyone to get on board. Maybe instead of getting everyone on board I can just equip them of a GPS and help them find their fuel. Could that voice could be a calling rather than a murmur?

I revisited this old friend today and I realised how I am already miles away from where I was 6 month ago. 6 month ago I was on rediscovery mode, but I hadn’t realized on what a bumpy road I had embarked! I am still convince I am on the right path, but even I am struggling to follow. I can imagine that anyone who likes stability would get dizzy just witnessing the process. I know we are going through a transition period but that one is particularly violent, testing every ability to adjust quickly to each new environment. I get sea sick just thinking about it. I also thing that this kind of changes should happen in the half seasons. Going through it as winter is starting to bite is making it even more painful  Painful but somehow pleasurable; I don’t remember ever feeling so alive and raw in the same time, practising on my life lesson and inspired by my repertoire of insight more than ever before  I also start to envision the goal: a space and time where nether my life lessons or repertoire of insights will be necessary any more. It will be all me, as a whole, not just bits and pieces trying to collaborate to find the right order. Actually there is apparently no right order, so it’s probably just finding a way to get the pieces to collaborate.  Actually since there is no right order then whose to say they are not collaborating as I type. So really, I am just so near it, but knowing that I am already there, it is such a paradox. How do you take the jump, from there to here, knowing it doesn’t even exist and it is the fruit of my own imagination.

This is what I am practising right now, just taking each event as it is meant to be, it is so hard, it is violent to just work at letting the life go by. I feel I am being tested right now. It is a very peculiar feeling. it is a nice feeling. I would say that if 2 years ago I felt as I was in the belly of a caterpillar, I could say now that I feel like my wings are growing:-)

Last night as a result of taking ibogaine (born-again according to word process spelling correction of the word), my 2 hemispheres engaged in the most diplomatic debate ever. Every single one of my issues have been either debated, challenged or even been shone to me in the most chocking way. The left brain versus the right brain, the spiritual versus the rational, the mind Vs body, masculine Vs feminine, everything got rebalanced, just so I could today land on the middle path once again and with the knowledge that if I follow everything that have been shown, life is about to get even better. To be honest I am pretty damn please with my life, smug lioness that I am, but I had a feeling it could get better. It always can. for everyone, even for the smuggest of smuggest lioness! whether with more or less smugness in the balance is each to there own, all you know is that it will turn out just right. Bang in the middle. That’s when you drop the smug issue and move to the next!

I rediscovered the difference between knowing and Knowing, but I won’t forget it this time!

Having turned 40 I feel growing up as been a tough experience all together, every little step can have such drastic consequences, Ilan is here to remind us of it; but last night, it was like my soul had sat me down and had a very direct blast at me, showing me every single imperfection I only see in others. I saw them, analysed them, understood them and now I Know.

And that my friends is the best 40th birthday present a woman can ever wish for… from myself to myself: Merci Beaucoup:-)

There are 2 ways to approach life, our way or everyone else’s way. One way or another, we are here to learn lessons, some lessons, it is just the way it is offered to us which will differ.  When we follow our way, those lesson’s are offered in a playful way, like in an interactive game. If we chose the other way, or the other’s ways, then the lesson can’t be dealt with, because it ain’t our way! So instead, we stress out on how to sort out the lesson/problem, because it is probably someone’s way to look at it and to resolve it!

And oh my God it is easy to walk off track.  My personal dilemma  Do  I go along with that spiritual path who keeps calling me back for more or my rational mind reminding me that I leave in a very physical world, surrounded by very physical beings, who need me here, very much here at all time. So how do I council the 2 without denying one or the other and risking going off track. I have to walk the path of the middle, like a funanbule. What a challenge, and what a choice. You walk that fine middle path and your life’s lessons will feel playful and enriching or you step out and you get the tougher version, so tough sometimes that we feel lost, tired or overwhelmed.

I feel I have lost myself somewhere along the way, a long time ago. I have disconnected somehow. I look at my life and it is better than anything I could ever have imagined, but there is still something missing; like the ability to just enjoy it, in the most simple way. I am very much after that, but not just for myself, for everyone. I feel we are all somehow disconnected. But who am I to think that way of other people’s life. Why am I so obsessed by making everyone happy. I feel so fucking blessed already, why can’t I just relax and enjoy? Why do I feel I have to take dangerous drugs to explore and look further, to understand more, to give more happiness to people? Is that an excuse, is everyone else’s happiness is a reflect of my own lack? Probably. But the problem is then why do I always need more happiness, for myself or for others? I am convinced we can always push ourselves further, accomplish ourselves even more, when maybe I should just learn to enjoy what I have. I live surrounded by people that seem to be so blessed by everything they have, maybe I should learn from them. I have tried to learn from them. I have lived among such people for 10 years now and they are everything I am not. Maybe everything I aspire to be SO grounded, so sure of themselves, so comfortable that they never need to move, so contented. I aspire to contentment. This is why I am going off track tonight, in the search for contentment. Is contentment is just a matter of reconnecting. I look forward to find out? 

Even if from what I gather I am not likely to find anything I go searching for… but much more!

I was all cocky last time thinking I had mastered motherhood, unfortunately I had a relapse! I can’t quite explain what happened to me, so I blamed the moon. I had the kind of anger I get while on PMT, only 10 times worst. I tried to control myself, I could see myself being horrible, but I just couldn’t. I would have been horrible to myself instead if I hadn’t let it out. I just wanted to be left alone, but with 3 kids and staff running around, getting ready for a busy night at work, it was impossible. So instead I stopped coffee, I had no alcohol  but still I could have ripped every single child to pieces and not just mine or not just children.

Ideal to reaffirm who’s the boss in the business, but not so good if you are trying to raise mentally balanced children. I tried to warn them: “stay away from me, I am in a monster mood!”, but of course the more I tried to push them away, the more they came back for more, bringing with it floods of emotions, tears, anger, fight. Very hectic couple of days. But the hardest part was not knowing where it came from. No periods to come, 5 days from Glastonbury, being quite on track with paperwork for once, really I had no reason to be upset. I had even been, a few days before, in a very good place. I could start grasping the concept of an open heart everyone talks about in the spiritual jargon. You know, think with your heart, not your head, keep your heart open and all that stuff, which quite frankly you don’t get unless one day… the penny drops while sitting in nature or while having cheese-bread-and-wine, the French take on Holy Trinity. At least now I know the place and state I am aiming for, but holy crap, if opening the heart is in fact opening a valve so all the crap stuck in the belly can resurface, I am not sure I want to go there!

OK, I have no choice, I am going to have to deal with it, all that bottled anger that my “high as a kite”-self can’t deal with. It is dark, it is low, below low even, it is “yerky” and unbearable for everyone. Especially for my eldest. I can see that anger in her and when I am in that state, it is like her all persona is sending me that reflection of a despicable me. It is all the crap I dumped on her being send back to me, as a little reminder that all is not dealt with. GRRRR, it is like a never ending story, a fucking roller-coaster of which you can’t come off. I can’t believe I dared to think, we were sorted; and now I realised that I’ve only just cleared the land and prepared the ground so now we can start building the foundations. I am exhausted just thinking about it, but somehow relieve at the though that  I know a bit better where I am standing now. That’s awareness, right. So a bit more awareness with a teaser of open heart, that has to be a good sign that I’m on track and with Glastonbury coming on as a practice ground, I am feeling all joyful again. Bring it on!

Oh and on the subject of motherhood since that’s what this is to be all about… Well I am doing fantastic, I am even enjoying motherhood, not 24/7 of course, but enough not to need to reflect about it in that blog. But I do enjoy writing in that space so it is lucky I’ve found a new topic. And I love the fact that as I just posted about that new topic, daughter number 1, comes next to me and asks me if she can go singing to the people in the street. This is obviously something I haven’t projected on her yet. And my initial reaction was a massive NO coming out from every pores of my skin. But since I just wrote about it, I thought fuck it, let it go, she is not me, I am not her… let her explore what she wants even if it makes her happy. I will stay squirming in my corner, it is my issue after all and not hers, and I musn’t forget, she’s already took me a long way out of my unconfort zone. And plus I am a sucker for syncronicty, so it must be right, right?

How funny that last night, trying to leave a comment to my Amsterdamer Guru, it made me log into this forgotten blog. And how weird that the last post I wrote was about about my slow paced path… when my conclusion to reading about his life was that he took the highway. I went to another of those meeting, in London this time.

Nowhere near as fabulous than the first one, because I felt the subject wasn’t for me, and I was ill, but still it bought me a massive realisation, it is that I do not like to be exposed. So then I wondered, do I need to be exposed? And still I am exposed, massively exposed for someone who likes a low profile. This blog is a typical exemple of my controversy, it’s online, I talk about it, but I’ve only given the key to Pablo and I know he wouldn’t read it. Still yesterday finding it back was the best thing that could have happened, because if it had been on paper like a lot of it is, it would be into a box and never read again by now. So it’s like me, visible and invisible in the same time.

Isn’t it weird that as years are taking their tools on me and I am slowly going to become invisible, I am slowly, oh so slowly, starting considering coming out of my shell? And to be honest I would not even have considered it, if twice in the same week it hadn’t been bought to my attention. First through having my star chart read and then being put in a hot spot and experience how uncomfortable it felt. I hated it, every minute of it, but it shed light on a very big aspect of myself: the one where I tell myself, I really hate to be exposed. Just thinking of being on the highway rather than hiding in the bush, analysing every aspect of it, is making me feel awkward and itchy. But if I am true to myself, I will say that my favourite time on earth is that Sunday night in Glastonbury, having slowly dropped my social shell over the week-end, I put the family to bed and go into the night, shell free and dance the night away amongst strangers. This is as raw as I get, not caring one bit to be exposed, Loving it even, because I know that the next day, the curtain will fall, the city will vanish by magic, taking away my wild secret. But I must say, it feels like my wild side is leaking out lately, trying to break through. Something is happening, a big reshuffle inside. I know where it is going, I’ve seen it in my soul plan and my stars and they agree on it. It feels good to have stepped toward it, no matter how long it might take!

May be the void would have been more appropriate to describe the difference between the mum I want to be and the mum that I am. Let’s say I am a master queen when it comes to denial. And I have no ideas how other people do it, since motherhood is still very much a mystery to me. Well I can do motherhood, I belong to that hood, but I will qualify myself of below average. Am I really that selfish that I am struggling so much to put everyone else interest before mine? Or is it that I see my glass as empty so I don’t want to share. Lately I have been thinking a lot about that concept of giving. On theory I know that is what you are meant to do and I am working on it, but how come is it people that have the most that seem to give the least. is this is how you end up with so much?

Mind you I think there is a void in my life in general between who I am and who I know I should be or could be. Apparently it takes discipline, but discipline myself would be like harnessing a wild horse or Taurus in my case. The word alone gives me the creep. So how can I get I feel the void. According to Ecktar Tolle, my way to fill the void is to eat. In that better version of me, I am so happy with myself that I have no time to eat. How do I get there. Apparently it is a matter of balance. I must go back and forth to that ideal self and bring something back each time. Sometimes I feel I spend more time visiting her in my psyche that with her in my body making her happen. How can I find this balance? Should I just trust that I am going there but I have just chosen the long path or have I got the choice to take the short cut. trouble is I don’t think I am interested in short cut. Short cut is like school, learning someone else’s lesson but not really having learned anything since it wasn’t what we needed in that present moment.

I will always be tempted by the side path and they are the ones dragging me further away from good motherhood. having said that, today I was a good mum. I enjoyed it, probably not as much as I would have enjoyed being creative but still. I am pleased with myself for choosing to try.

May be I am on the right path, just slower than every one else?